Is it time to wrangle your inner worry bully?
Someone once told me that worry is our attempt at controlling a future that is well and truly out of it. According to that, I am the master controller of everything to come. If it can be worried about, I oblige - even with all the tools at my disposal; high level of health literacy, access to psychological support and all the results Google (and when I’m feeling fancy, Google Scholar) can return.
When I was researching The ‘Bad’ Girl’s Guide To Better, I interviewed psychologist and leading anxiety expert Dr Jodie Lowinger. She introduced me to the concept of the ‘worry bully’ and let me tell you - they sound like a total dick (technical term). We all have one, they’re the voice that prevents us from throwing our hat in the ring for that promotion or starting that business, out of fear of rejection or — heaven forbid — what people will think. The worry bully keeps us small, afraid and flying under the radar so we don’t get picked on. And when we let the worry bully boss us around, we hold back and miss out on invaluable lessons in both resilience and possibility.
The truth is that uncertainty is uncomfortable, and on our best days there are thousands of moments where we don’t have certainty. Sure, there are likely outcomes, but we don’t know which is going to play out until it happens. Just ask anyone who’s been blindsided by anything, ever. Most of the time we just go about our day, though, because we believe — to some extent — the universe has our back. But because we’ll never have certainty over pretty much anything, we need to learn to coexist with that discomfort. And learning that has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve gained in my 38 years on the planet.
Here’s how to make friends with uncertainty and wrangle your inner worry bully:
Write down your most pressing worries, the ones that trouble you regularly or keep you up at night. Next to each one, write as a percentage how much of it is within your control. Don’t overthink it, it’s just a guestimate.
Next, for each worry, put a tick next to the ones you can do anything about. Why? Because some worries are useful. If you’re worrying about breast cancer and that translates into action (booking a checkup or mammogram) then that is a valid, useful worry. For any with a tick, write one action you can take to tackle that worry head-on in the next 24 hours.
Now go back to your list and draw a very deliberate line through any worries you can’t do anything about. This physical action signifies to your brain that worrying about that thing is done.
Now you’ve shone a light on your biggest worries, you can come up with positive ways to take away some of their power. The question to ask is ‘will worrying about this change the outcome?’ and if the answer is no, well - give the worry a rest. Life is hard enough without giving valuable headspace to worries that are out of our control anyway.
If you need me, I’ll be doing my best to take my own advice.
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